I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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