According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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