can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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