Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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