Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
