Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
