I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
