My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
