I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
