I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
