I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
