haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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