Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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