the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
And then he peed in my hair
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