It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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