I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
