I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
