she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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