The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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