Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
