Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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