I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I need help removing her.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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