Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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