Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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