the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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