i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
