All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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