Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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