i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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