I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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