I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
