omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
