Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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