Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
