had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
