Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
