I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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