omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
