What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
