if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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