Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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