my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
