Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
