I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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