Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
