True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We left an ass print on the piano.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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