i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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