And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
