I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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