Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
